This one’s for my pussy of a father

The worthless coward who kick, hit, punch whatever you name it when I was little, The looser who always made it clear he loved my brother more, and treated him specially. The piece of human garbage that made my childhood miserable, who teased and harassed me, who made me feel like the most cherished child that ever existed. The coward who when I was old enough looked into his eyes and saw what he was the one who was afraid of me.

My one day in the sun

An enticing taste of the sweetness of things that could be, always makes the difficult more bitter. There are so many road blocks in everyone’s life, that I find myself feeling guilty for ruminating over the most minor of things, but I’m happy for the ability to do so. There is no hell like the shackles of one’s own mind. But if you can find freedom in yourself, no one can take that away. People may beat you, they may starve you, force you into back breaking servitude, but no one can over own you, unless you let them.

In retrospect my life had never been that difficult, but I’ve found that my strength has come at a huge cost. But are walls to cover pain and hurt truly strength? Or are they mere stubbornness, from my driven sense of resentment? My poetic killing of my true self is not the root of my resentment, it’s the friends, that where never friends, my parents that should have been in jail, or at the very least never been allowed to have kids, but at the end of the day I find the most in myself. Sometimes change can be difficult to bare no matter how much I want to deny it, to relinquish some of my protection to do so is never an easy thing.

One of my favorite recent messages

Greetings,
I started dating a super hot girl about a month ago and just came out to her about my interest in a bi mmf with her. I have long had this interest and have played with others. We went to a gay club in Seattle last weekend and she is absolutely infatuated with drag queens. I actually prefer very feminine guys like yourself. She is SUPER hott and I am very friendly. We are both clean. Let me know if you'd be up for meeting and I can shoot you some pixs of her.

Johnathan
PS: You can call or text me any time at 206-794-9838. We'd really like to meet very soon like before the end of the week...

I ran out of Anti motivation

People imply to me all the time “oh you must have had some motivation if your decided to “transition” ” No not really, I just stopped fighting myself just a little bit one day, I eased up on my own reigns just enough to get a little joy out of existing. I ran out of excuses, yeah I did take a risk I didn’t really think of it at the time, I’ve always had a F you attitude about everything. And at the beginning fully and truly expressing who it is that I am, was the biggest F you I could have given. Throughout my entire life I’ve been watching over my own shoulder to be sure I never acted in anyway like a girl, it always caused problems for me. So over the years I sat there watching everything I said and did, being sure everything was male enough, I worked so hard to keep it up all the time, it was hard to focus on anything else, to enjoy anything, or to even care. I’ve never been one to blame others for my own stuff, but I’d become very angry at everyone, for who I had to work at being everyday to avoid being teased, harassed and , and even a few times beaten, even the crap I had to deal with at home. I remember far back as preschool wanting to change my name, even before that I wanted to have a baby, and as even as a kid you learn very quickly if you’re different you don’t fit in. As a kid I was told by my mom why it would never happen, I had my next door neighbor go out of his way to teach me how to act like a guy, simply because he was afraid of what the people at school thought of him, because they knew we where “friends” at home( I was the only other kid for several blocks and he was five or six years older)

So for the better part of my life I’ve watched everything slip by me, because I was to afraid to stand up for myself. I never enjoyed being a kid because I always felt like a watchful adult. Even know being 21 years old, it’s hard to let go, yeah I feel the greatest I’ve ever felt in my entire life, but I’m angry, tired, and bitter

Motivation

Where is my motivation? The good part of me has no motivation, no drive It’s to young, it just goes with the flow like a small child. The angry part of me has no real motivation either, It’s driven by the ever going conflict in my head and is fueled by nothing but to prove that I’m not a worthless fucking loser

Preamble

The reason for this blog is to have a place to post my pseudo psychotic rants, musings, and even the lulz