I ran out of Anti motivation

People imply to me all the time “oh you must have had some motivation if your decided to “transition” ” No not really, I just stopped fighting myself just a little bit one day, I eased up on my own reigns just enough to get a little joy out of existing. I ran out of excuses, yeah I did take a risk I didn’t really think of it at the time, I’ve always had a F you attitude about everything. And at the beginning fully and truly expressing who it is that I am, was the biggest F you I could have given. Throughout my entire life I’ve been watching over my own shoulder to be sure I never acted in anyway like a girl, it always caused problems for me. So over the years I sat there watching everything I said and did, being sure everything was male enough, I worked so hard to keep it up all the time, it was hard to focus on anything else, to enjoy anything, or to even care. I’ve never been one to blame others for my own stuff, but I’d become very angry at everyone, for who I had to work at being everyday to avoid being teased, harassed and , and even a few times beaten, even the crap I had to deal with at home. I remember far back as preschool wanting to change my name, even before that I wanted to have a baby, and as even as a kid you learn very quickly if you’re different you don’t fit in. As a kid I was told by my mom why it would never happen, I had my next door neighbor go out of his way to teach me how to act like a guy, simply because he was afraid of what the people at school thought of him, because they knew we where “friends” at home( I was the only other kid for several blocks and he was five or six years older)

So for the better part of my life I’ve watched everything slip by me, because I was to afraid to stand up for myself. I never enjoyed being a kid because I always felt like a watchful adult. Even know being 21 years old, it’s hard to let go, yeah I feel the greatest I’ve ever felt in my entire life, but I’m angry, tired, and bitter