It hurts the most to feel good

Months ago, I lost the control I’ve had over my emotions, the control I’ve had over my emotions for years, and it feels like being hit head on by a freight train. Everything hurts, everything, good things, bad things, just being around people right now, hurts. About a year ago now, my happiness built up, and weakened my self control, and I can’t shutout everything like I’d had to, for most of my life. Happiness, became the steel knife in my windpipe, I function, but everyday hurts like hell. Happiness cut me open, it cut me out of my cocoon, and now I can’t stop feeling. Happiness feels like a virus, it festers in me, it helps to draw in all the pain, I’ve always been able to shut out, it wraps itself in it. For most of my life, every time I hurt, every time I felt alone, every time I wanted to cry, every time I wanted to reach out, every time I wanted to even feel, I was able to cancel it out with my internalized anger. But still, my mind struggles in vein to shutout feeling. It truly hurts the worst, to feel good.